thoughts on week one
Turns out, it is much more difficult to be positive when you aren’t expecting the negative. Example: one expects to battle the forces of evil during the workday. Tough customers, difficult employees, negative co-workers. These are commonplace from 8-5. (or 9-6, in my case) Monday thru Friday, I anticipate the tough stuff and adjust accordingly. I dance my pants off to pop music all the way to the office in preparation. Nothing fires me up for the day like a little Call Me Maybe with my coffee.
Fast forward to the weekend.
Who knew it would be so much more difficult to navigate the goodness when left to my own devices for a full 48 hours? If I am honest, I guess I did. Really, since my break-up a couple years ago, the weekends have been tougher. More difficult to fill. But until I started making a committed effort to approach differently, react differently, I didn’t realize there are truly trap doors to negativity around every corner. This weekend felt a bit like a game of chutes and ladders. Up the big ladder to signing the lease on my new apartment! Down several chutes with a broken-down car & unexpected ex encounter.
So, now I know. It sneaks up. Quickly. Before you know it and when you are least expecting it. Perhaps that’s the real lesson this week…
If I train my brain and my heart to embrace the good - even when its easy - then, maybe when its not so easy, it will be habit.
the positivity project
Last Tuesday, I made a decision. Or rather committed to a decision I’ve made several times over the past year. And in just 6 days, this decision has become something else. A direction. An experiment of sorts. A project.
the positivity project.
The basis? One thought: good out. good in.
I’m certain there are many versions of this out there. Certain that I’ve read a book about it or an article… it’s not at all an original idea, but the feeling it creates in me? Totally original. Revolutionary really, yet so simple. The energy you put out into the universe is the same energy you get back. Think about that for a second.
If we started from there, with that thought, how would we change? How would the people around us?
This past week, like all others before it, was up and down. Good and bad. Possibly a little more extreme than normal in the highs and lows. But through it all (after a disastrous Monday), I made a purposeful commitment to positive energy.
How? I don’t really know. There was a lot of pausing this week. Reconsidering. How do I approach this day, this moment, this person with LOVE?
Sounds easy, right? Nope. But it’s a place to start. From love.
just doing it
I’m posting this today.. right now, in fact, because tomorrow I have a weigh in.
Back it up… I’m doing a weight loss challenge at work.
I haven’t mentioned this because… well, because as with everything, I don’t blog as often as I’d planned.
So, anyways, there’s a hundred of these a day, right? Weight Watchers at work. Pay a dollar for every time you gain weight, blah. blah. This one happens to be sponsored by Anthem. They have promised prizes and supplied lots of literature. They even sent everyone on our team the requisite motivational water bottle! They can’t lower my healthcare costs, but they sure can swing a tchotchke or two! I digress. The point is, there is nothing super distinguishing about this challenge.
I am just doing it. I’m not thinking about it. I’m not over-planning it. I’m not analyzing it until I want to kill myself. I am just doing it.
I went to the gym this week. In the morning. Before work. Twice.
If you know me, you realize just how super funny this is. Unbelievable, really. But I did it. The first day I hadn’t even planned it. I just woke up, looked around my room, and walked out the door… gym bag in hand.
And it felt good.
And that’s a nice feeling for a change. You know? I don’t know exactly what this is. I don’t know if it will last. But this week it feels good.
No matter what that scale says tomorrow.
keeping the faith
i got accused at the end of my last relationship of “just wanting to get married.” (as though it was a disgusting habit like chewing my nails or leaving hair in the shower)
what my ex didn’t understand, because - as it turned out -he didn’t want the same thing - was that i didn’t just want to get married…
i just wanted to marry him.
pretty much the scariest thing about the end of that relationship for me (outside of all the self-doubting, hateful, sick things that you think in the middle of a mess like that) was the thought that i might not again find someone that i want to marry.
logically, i’m thinking there’s like 6 billion people on the planet, and really, of course i will find someone again that i want to marry. i mean, i will. BUT. its a daunting task, finding a new partner. a best friend and a lover. someone who gets me. someone i get.
its especially difficult when you don’t really know if you even want to try.
i’ve been making an effort lately. “i’m never going to meet anyone if i don’t meet people.” this is what i tell myself when i am inclined to hide-out with a book or in a movie theatre. this mostly means hanging out with my married or coupled up friends. i don’t know if its doing the trick, but i can pretty much 100% guarantee i’m not going to meet anyone hanging out in my bedroom, so i try. sort of.
occasionally, this resolve to get out there has led me to spend time with my sister whose boyfriend happens to be in a band, thus finding us in a bar or two… and i have to say… i find it very depressing. its partially my pre-conceived notion of meeting someone in a bar, but really? a lot of it is what’s out there. or, as it were, what’s not. it could be the whole scene, which is definitely worse than every cliche i’ve ever imagined. but which also seems, short of church or eDate (neither of which interests me), to be the quickest way to find single people.
which brings me to last night.
last night, while at the “gig”, i met someone who may have actually restored my faith in finding someone new. hanging out with him was genuine and funny. he was smart. clearly thoughtful. and somewhat fearless. and all of this without the over-the-top-ego of someone over-compensating for his insecurities.
spending an hour in his company was refreshing and comforting all at the same time. and reminded me that not only are people like him out there, but that i’d like to go through the effort of finding one that fits.
for that hour of insight and restoration of faith, Aaron (whose last name i never bothered to ask), i thank you. and wish you well in your journey. you are definitely on the right path.
working the blog.
in my brain this was easier. my graphics simple and appealing. my posts smart. the way i see myself, really:
simple, smart, funny, appealing.
in the real world… i don’t really have the tools on the engagement laptop to get where i want with the graphics. i’m writing HTML code for goodness sake. which i haven’t done since… um… college? (college the first time, not college now)
and of course, in the so very me way that will become obvious (possibly painfully so), as we work through this blog experience together, i stop at that thought and offer the following observation…
if the way i see the blog doesn’t quite translate in reality, does the me i see?
(oh boy, i may have inadvertently stumbled across the solution to my very expensive and not so lucrative eDating mess)
in any case, its a place to start. right?